Illustration by Max Fleishman via  The Daily Dot

Illustration by Max Fleishman via The Daily Dot


The New Yorker

Daily Shouts & Murmurs

• New Old Wives’ Tales for New New Yorkers

• Alternate Endings to Classic Video Games

• It’s Time for Hillary Clinton to Gracefully Bow Out of Public Life, Along with All Other Women

• Some of the “Law & Order: SVU” Episodes I Watched During Yesterday’s Marathon

Mc Sweeney's

Internet Tendency

• Why I’m Leaving New York (And Why It Has Nothing To Do With The Grumongulon)

• List: Strange But True Laws From Across the United States

You Have Been Loading the Dishwasher Incorrectly Your Entire Life


• Some Ideas For Guys Who Could Be On ‘The Bachelorette’ Next Season



• Dear Mr. Leto: Please Stop Visiting Our Children’s Hospital Dressed As The Joker

• ‘Entourage’ Episode Ideas From Someone Who Has Never Seen ‘Entourage.’

• Things I Have Shouted At Piers Morgan From The Window Of A Moving Cab

• I Found These Rejected Titles For "Zootopia” Written On A Napkin Outside A Starbucks Near Disney Animation Studios In 2013, But I Didn’t Know What It Was Yet

• Interview #001

• Interview #002


(Humor Editor; 2014 - 2015) (Selects)

• 13 "Fifty Shades Of Grey" Quotes That Need To Be In The Movie

• If Quotes From A Guy We Chained Up In Our Basement Were Motivational Posters

• Did Emma Watson Really Die 100 Years Ago Tonight?

• Here Are Some "Mortdecai" Valentines As Far As You Know

• Your Favorite Disney Men Look Even Hotter Splattered With Blood

• 12 "House Of Cards" Quotes You Need To Destroy Your Enemies

• This Is What The Cast Of "Dinosaurs" Looks Like Now


(Staff Writer, Associate Editor; 2014 Launch - 2015) (Selects)

• Which Hungry, Hungry Hippo Are You?

• This Elderly Couple Died Two Days Apart, So Why Aren’t The Police Investigating It?

• This Video Seems Silly, But It Makes A Good Point

• Are We Setting Unrealistic Standards Of Beauty For Our Felons?

• 4 Famous Movie Lines That Were Improvised On Set

• Is ‘Captain America 2’ On Blu-Ray Yet?

• This Loyal Dog Refuses To Leave A Grave That Has Peanut Butter On It

The Onion News Network

(Contributor; 2012 - 2014) (Selects)

• Popular Children's Book Author Reveals The 'Spooky Truth' About Creepy Conspiracy Theories

• ‘The State Of The Union Is Strong,’ Says Man Responsible For Shielding Nation From Truth

• America's Roommates Launch 'One Vote Doesn't Matter' Campaign


• A Letter To My Unborn Intern

The Big Jewel

• Three Stars — Grill Is Incredibly Difficult To Assemble, Even Sober


(Twitter Project; 2013 - 2018)