For The Late Show With Stephen Colbert — I co-wrote a monologue take over feat. Stephen and the actual Deadpool, and may have gotten to meet Deadpool.
'Santa's Husband' On Sale Now.
Illustration by Ashley Quach
Santa’s Husband (2017) By Daniel Kibblesmith, Illustrated by Ashley Quach
(via Harper Design)
Offering a fresh twist on Kris Kringle, a clever yet heartfelt book that tells the story of a black Santa, his white husband, and their life in the North Pole.
Everyone knows that Santa Claus is jolly, but in Santa’s Husband, this cherished symbol of the holiday season is also black and gay, and married to an equally cheery man.
Available from a bookstore near you or online here.
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 10.06.2016
For The Late Show With Stephen Colbert — I wrote a scene for Stephen and Emily Blunt based on an acting exercise I learned at Columbia College Chicago. It gets a little out of hand.
Dear Mr. Leto: Please Stop Visiting Our Children’s Hospital Dressed As The Joker
Jared Leto as The Joker in The Suicide Squad (2016)
From: Molly Bohmer
Communications Director
East Suburban Children’s Hospital
Dear Mr. Leto,
I am not familiar with your work. I understand that you are an actor of some note, and may have even won an Academy Award (congratulations). Under normal circumstances we would be delighted to have your involvement in promoting or fundraising for our pediatric medical facility. But I write to you today to ask that you, please, from the bottom of my heart, stop visiting our children’s hospital dressed as the Joker.
It is beyond inappropriate.
During your first visit, there was a great deal of confusion about who you were, and why you were here, dressed as what was described to me over the phone as “some kind of European monster.” It was not until a younger orderly recognized you from the commercials that word spread that a movie star was visiting us, and in character as his comic book alter-ego no less.
However, in these circumstances, the event is usually requested by the families and planned well in advance with the help of the celebrity’s publicity team and a third-party charity organization. You simply double-parked in our ambulance zone in what appeared to be a car covered in imitation (?) diamonds, flung your arms wide, and declared yourself to be “Gotham’s reckoning.” If you recall, you then kicked open the door where nine-year-old Sarah Matthews was recuperating from a common inguinal hernia repair, shouted “Where’s the birthday girl?!” and produced a live tarantula that you allowed to crawl freely on your face.
This was just the first visit.
Forty-eight hours later, you had returned, this time menacing our receptionist, Gabrielle, with a solid-gold switchblade and offering to “free her mind … from itself.” Before security could be called, you darted into the room of Simon Gonzalez (six), threw off your magenta fur coat and screamed that you were “the forgotten child of a dead god,” while pouring hot candle wax on your chest tattoos.
At this point, I feel I must point out that Simon was only in our care for a minor collarbone fracture. In fact, unlike in the cases of many celebrity visits common in our industry, none of the patients you have visited are terminally ill. The vast majority of our patients are recovering from common inpatient procedures, like tonsillitis or appendectomies.
But even under the noblest of circumstances, your repeated, unsolicited, flamboyant in-character appearances are disruptive at best, and at worse, traumatizing. I am only passingly familiar with Batman’s arch-nemesis, but I cannot recall any film or comic book where he perched on the bed of a six-year-old girl in the process of having her ear fluids drained, blasting a strobe light in her face while he drank ladybugs from a champagne flute.
However, credit where credit is due — like the real Joker, you have always managed to disappear before the police arrived.
Mr. Leto, I will not pretend to understand show business, anymore than I expect you to understand the business of running marketing and communications for a mid-size family care center. But I have to believe that the process of putting on your Joker make-up takes many hours, and probably the assistance of other people. To say nothing of your elaborate wardrobe — did you purchase it upon completion of the film? Did you provide your own clothing for this movie?
I won’t even ask what you’re doing in Lincoln, Nebraska to begin with.
These are all questions I shouldn’t be occupying my day with, just as you should not be prancing through our halls in a crushed velvet S.S. Uniform, announcing in a sing-song caterwaul that the “angel of fun has arrived to topple the alphabet blocks of our precious widdle society.” Inflection yours.
I can only conceive of one incident which may have confused you into feeling this behavior was acceptable: The one-time visit from Chris “Captain America” Evans, to eight-year-old Charlotte Bennington before her partial liver resection. Perhaps you saw this photo on our Instagram account and considered it an open invitation. Charlotte, thankfully, has made a full recovery, and we have not seen Chris Evans since. We wish him well.
Please, sir, if there is anything decent left in your psyche from your previous life, a life before whatever cocktail of method acting and recreational substances turned you into this ill-begotten, mumbly glam-rock skeleton, please, please, please, allow our community’s children to heal in peace.
We used to comfort them that monsters weren’t real. You have made us liars.
Sincerely,
Molly Bohmer
Communications Director, ESCH
P.S. Please let us know if you can put us in contact with Will Smith regarding M.C.’ing our upcoming board of directors gala. E-mail is fine.
‘Entourage’ Episode Ideas From Someone Who Has Never Seen ‘Entourage.’
My fiancée Jennifer Wright took me to see the Entourage movie, even though I had never seen an episode of Entourage. Based on what I observed in the movie alone, and have absorbed about Entourage through pop-culture osmosis over the past twenty (?) years, I hope the producers of Entourage will consider my following episode ideas for a potential a revival:
E is worried because Vince hasn’t rehearsed his jokes for the Comedy Central Roast of O.J. Simpson. Meanwhile, Turtle gets a mailbox pregnant.
Johnny Drama is excited to have booked an audition for a dog food commercial — until he realizes he is up for the part of the dog. He eats dish after dish of dog food, each time turning to the camera and delivering the line, “With the same ancient grains our ancestors fed the first domesticated wolves!” He fails to land the part, but gets the phone number of an attractive make-up artist. Meanwhile, Ari is perplexed by a complicated new smartphone.
Turtle is in critical condition after eating too much candy. Meanwhile, Vince goes on a date with a woman who is never referred to by name.
The boys poke fun at Johnny Drama when it is revealed that he has never had swimming lessons. He vows to learn, but tries to impress a female swim instructor by diving headfirst into the shallow end, and spends the rest of the episode in a wheelchair, coma. Meanwhile, Vince bets Ari that he cannot give up bread.
Steven Spielberg drops by to call Vince the greatest living actor. E pukes from anxiety, causing him to totally blow it with a cute barista.
In researching a movie about riding the bus, Vince falls asleep on the bus, leading to an argument between E and Ari about who should pick him up at the airport bus terminal. Meanwhile, Turtle is hit by lightning in a pool.
E is worried because Vince hasn’t memorized his lines for a new Tarzan movie, Tarzan Origins. Ari purchases a Russian woman so he can watch as a construction vehicle buries her in sand.
Johnny Drama is worried that an old tattoo — a skeleton with dice for eyes — will hurt his chances to play “Shirtless Burn Victim #4.” Meanwhile, Vince is given an unprecedented two Best Actor Oscars for his performance as Helen Keller’s husband in Senseless Love.
The boys go to IKEA to research Vince’s role as the founder of IKEA, but end up having sex with married women in all of the beds.
Turtle and Johnny Drama start a comedic daredevil juggling act called “Close Shaves,” but their lack of trust causes them to totally blow an opportunity to open for Penn & Teller in Las Vegas. Meanwhile, Ari slits the throat of a professional rival’s dog.
E’s begs Vince to allow him to pose Vince’s apartment as his own in order to impress his visiting parents, but the plan backfires when they find a closet full of Vince’s meticulously organized sex tapes and guns. Turtle gets a job retrieving Dustin Hoffman’s golf balls from the bottom of a pond.
Ari’s mayoral bid is cut short after he drops numerous “F-bombs” on a local TV morning show while accusing them of anti-semitism. Turtle and Johnny Drama take mushrooms at a halloween-themed paintball course and become convinced the monsters are real.
In this very special Christmas episode, no one is sure if Ari celebrates Christmas. The boys compromise by sending him a naked woman covered with red and green sushi. Turtle meets Prancer.
The producers of Entourage can reach me at kibblesmith.com, if they have wi-fi on their boat.
